The Calculus of Unanswered Prayers
Or, faith in the darkness.
Welcome back to the
Very Mental Lifeletter!
And a big thanks and welcome to the newest members of the VML familia:
my brother Clint Mann and the angel that this letter is about, the Honorable Judge Nicole Fox 🦊
This letter is about the gift of not getting what we want.
1. We are bad at knowing what is (truly) good for us.
Before I went to college, I bet my friends $20,000 that I was going to marry a right-off-the-boat Italian girl (I don’t think Italian girls come here on boats anymore…).
And I’m really grateful that didn’t work out for me.
The thing is, if you would’ve asked me to design the perfect woman for me before I met Alyssa, it probably would’ve been nothing like her. Because you don’t know till you know.
Why is that? Why are we so bad at knowing what is good for us?
If you are anything like me or anything else in the animal kingdom, you don’t like pain very much. Definitely not physical pain, but a big Hell No to emotional, spiritual, and psychological pain.
We don’t eat our vegetables. We don’t take our vitamins. We don’t do high-intensity interval training. Metaphorically speaking.
It’s so funny to look back on the past 20 years of my life and think about what I was praying for. Semantically speaking, this was often not a “get on your knees with my rosary” prayer; it was a deep, inner longing. Last week I wrote about wanting desperately to get into UVA when I was in high school. That was my prayer.
2. And sometimes, we do know what is good for us, and we still don’t get it.
This past weekend I was in my hometown of Richmond, Virginny to see my stepmom get sworn in as a circuit court judge.
Here’s some beautiful backstory for you.
My stepmom, Niki, has been working as a family attorney for the past 25 years. Her speciality was serving as a guardian ad litem, representing young children in nasty divorce cases. She is highly respected in her work because she is a warrior for her kids.
For the past ten years or so, she has been putting her hat in the ring to become a judge. This is a convoluted process tied together by political kiss-ass shenanigans, and for years the answer was a resounding “No.” Not a “Not yet,” or “Not now;” it was just “No.”
I struggle with this. We humans struggle with this. So many times when we hear “No”, we internalize that. We tell ourselves “No,” too. But Niki isn’t a candy ass. She was raised by a 43-year Medal of Honor recipient Marine. She stayed after it for TEN YEARS.
And on February 22nd, the same day that her dad fought in the battle of A Shua Valley that would eventually earn him the Medal of Honor, Niki got the call that she got the appointment.
3. Prayer Calculus
I need to check my motivation on a daily basis 🙋🏻♂️
Like everyone, I go through seasons of diets, exercise routines, self-help blahblahblah regiments, and everything in between.
I dream up big money-making schemes (shoutout to me selling Cutco Knives for half a day as a 20-year-old).
I want to see my name in big, bedazzled, bright lights.
But here’s the thing: when the going gets tough (which it always does), those schemes and dreams don’t last. There’s nothing propping them up. Because the motivation is almost always: Make me feel good 🙏 Take away my suffering 🙏 Make life easier 🙏
When we pray for things that are going to make our life easier or more convenient, we don’t fight for them. Because our reasoning is weak. They are lifeless. They ain’t got soul.
But when we pray for things that are going to heal ourselves, help others, and proverbially change the world, we have a fighting chance. Because they have some ass behind them. They have SOUL power.
Big Brain Takeaway 🧠🧐
Am I praying for things that will make my life easier, or am I praying for things that will give me purpose and meaning?
I am launching an in-person counseling group for married men in Austin, Texas!
If you (or someone you know) is interested in coming out for the pilot, sign-up to get more information here 👇🏻
Ready to invest in your success in relationships? Here are ways I can help:
The “Your Relationship with Yourself” course shows you, step-by-step, how to understand yourself at a foundational, emotional level. So you can be a better everything: husband, father, friend, colleague, and human being.
Dive into counseling that is solution-focused and to the point. Schedule a discovery call with me.
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