My Favorite Failure
On the art of catching, and learning from, big fat L's
Welcome back to the
Very Mental Lifeletter!
And a big thanks and welcome to the newest member of la VML familia:
my brother Bryan Peace ☮️
This letter is about learning to love life’s L’s.
1. How to not get what you want.
Since I was old enough to make sentences, I wanted to attend The University of Virginia.
I loved the history with Thomas Jefferson, my stepmom and uncle went there, and I thought it was where I belonged as an intelligent, creative young man.
As a young whippersnapper, I let everybody know that I wanted to go to UVA.
I almost exclusively wore orange and blue to school.
I got custom orange and blue Nike ID shoes with “UVA” on them in middle school.
I painted my room orange with a huge blue “V”.
My AIM screename was WahooBeast5. (And the ladies loved it).
Which is all good stuff.
The funny thing is, I didn’t do any of the things that would, you know, get me into a school like UVA.
I played video games, smoked weed, and chased girls almost every night during high school instead of studying.
I wasn’t apart of any extracurricular activities outside of sports.
I was fine with getting mostly B’s and C’s on my report cards.
I shied away from top-tier math and sciences classes.
I wrote a personal essay where I described myself as someone who sits down at pep rallys, painting a picture of myself as someone too cultured and intellectual to go along with the crowd. (My stepmom later told me that admissions team probably thought I was some kind of serial killer and put my name on a watch list.)
I turned in my application late. 🤦🏻♂️
So, as you can imagine, I got rejected real hard. (Twice!)
And for good reason.
2. Blame: or, the warmth of peeing on yourself.
For the next, I don’t know, decade, I hated UVA. I mean, I *loathed* its existence.
I told myself that it’s a school for a bunch of snobbish, out-of-state, nerds with Vanilla Wafer personalities and trust fund daddies.
And that made me feel better, but in the same way that pissing your pants will warm you up for a few minutes.
Because as we all know, it is so much easier to blame individuals/groups/institutions/organizations than it is for us to examine our own culpability in our problems. That’s hard work. Blame is easy and $Free.99.
3. The True Mark of Adulthood
About four years ago, I did some career counseling and soul searching and realized that I need to be a counselor. I studied English in undergrad, so I felt very unprepared to dive into the social sciences.
But I approached things differently this time.
I aced the statistics class I had to take to apply to the University of Texas.
I flew to Austin and met with the dean of the social work school, and sent a follow-up hand-written thank you letter.
I volunteered on weekends for an entire year to strengthen my application.
I spent weeks writing and editing my essays.
And I got in.
Here’s the thing: my life right now at 31 would suck serious ass if I had gotten into UVA at 17. I would assume that being selfishly lazy, settling for mediocrity, and surrending to instant gratification would get me where I want to go in life.
For my money, the true mark of adulthood is when you make the conscious decision to take full responsibility for your life: your wins, your losses. The beauty and the brutality of the whole damn thing. You become an adult when you accept that the results you’re getting are the natural and obvious output of your daily actions.
If your relationship with your spouse sucks, it’s not because your parents got divorced. (Talking to myself at 25 👋🏻). That’s on you to own and figure out.
If you didn’t get a raise this past year, it’s not because your boss is a soulless, capitalist asshole. (Talking to myself at 28 👋🏻). That’s on you to own and figure out.
4. Reclaim the past by claiming your future.
I was in Charlottesville for a wedding a few weeks ago and I made a point to go walk “The Grounds” at UVA. (Ok… UVA is a little snobbish, but so am I).
Copped a picture with TJ ✅
Bought a t-shirt ✅
Fell back in love ✅
And you know what? I decided that I’m going to be a professor at UVA some day. I love that school. I love Charlottesville. I want to retire in 'dem ‘dere blue hills.
And, by the grace of God, now I’m armed with the wisdom to know how to do that.
Big Brain Takeaway 🧠🧐
What culpability did you have in your biggest failures?
What can you do this year to make that up to yourself?
I am launching an in-person counseling group for married men in Austin, Texas!
If you (or someone you know) is interested in coming out for the pilot, sign-up to get more information here 👇🏻
Ready to invest in your success in relationships? Here are ways I can help:
The “Your Relationship with Yourself” course shows you, step-by-step, how to understand yourself at a foundational, emotional level. So you can be a better everything: husband, father, friend, colleague, and human being.
Dive into counseling that is solution-focused and to the point. Schedule a discovery call with me.
If you liked today’s newsletter, be sure to like, share, and comment below. 👇🏻