Welcome back to the Very Mental Lifeletter!
I hope y’all had a great Thanksgiving filled with good food and being present with your people 🦃
This time last week, Alyssa and I were driving to the vet to put Hugo down.
Our little boy was in bad shape due to kidney failure from his prostate cancer.
It all still feels very surreal and numb and I don’t think I have the heart to start unpacking his death just yet.
But this morning I listened to the voice memo I made on the day that we found out he had prostate cancer. It was Wednesday September 27th.
Today I’m offering a transcribed version of that talk I had with myself on my drive home from work. My hope is that you can use some of my pain and regrets to guide some changes in your own life.
“I really want to record what I’m feeling right now because a little over two hours ago Alyssa called me and let me know the doctor told her that Hugo has prostate cancer. I want to do the human thing of trying to understand how I’m feeling and unpack it so I can learn from this and understand myself more.
The first thing that comes to mind is how much I regret being mad at him for the past few months for having to go out in the middle of the night. I was so selfish. I’m so upset with myself. (sobbing) And making him sleep in his crate. We knew something was wrong but I was still upset with him. And I hate that. I never want to do that again. (sobbing)
I’m noticing in myself that my initial reaction is to control the situation. It’s to go online and look at all different remedies and treatments and dive into the research. And call up Liz O’Connell’s dog whisperer or whoever the person is. I’m noticing in myself that I’m so uncomfortable with that pain. I’m so uncomfortable with myself. And I feel like I have to do something to fix it. And I’m also realizing that there might not be anything to do to fix it. That maybe this is just something that I have to accept. And I fucking hate that. (sobbing) I don’t want to do that. There’s a huge part of me that just wants to fight this. And tell the doctors to fuck themselves. I’m not going to accept that he has less than a year to live. Fuck that. I don’t fucking accept that.
I’m so heartbroken for Alyssa. She’s going to be so devastated. And I hate that I can’t do anything about that. (sobbing)
He’s only seven years old. I was never expecting that this would happen at his age. I was always thinking that Boston Terriers lived till they were 12 or 14. And I’m not ready to lose him.
My thoughts go to, like, this is why I’ve done all of this work on myself so I can be strong for Alyssa in this and be composed and make the right choices, but also grieve. Because this is one of the worst days of my entire life.
I don’t want to harbor on my own self-hatred or anger at myself for how I’ve acted. I know that that is not constructive. But that is also one of the biggest things I feel right now. I’ve wasted months or even years by taking him for granted. And being just so caught up in my own whatever the fuck I’m doing. Where he’s just something to control or put on his place or in his crate and not getting to experience his joy. And that fucking kills me. Like I’ve wasted that. And he does not deserve this. (sobbing) That’s the worst part. He’s been nothing but the perfect boy. I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do now. I am so sorry.
I cancelled all of my therapy sessions tonight. My initial reaction was I’ll just tough it out and do it. But I will not. I don’t want to tough it out. I want to go home and be with Alyssa and Hugo and Jed. I’m just so upset at how in my frustration I’ve been thinking recently that just the dogs are a burden and it’s just selfishness.
I’m almost home. God, let me be the man that Alyssa needs me to be. Let me be a rock for her and a support for her. Help me with my own grief. Help me be present with Hugo for the rest of his life, however long that is.
It’s just such a check on my whole life. Like, I am not going to regret not making a fucking hundreds of millions of dollars. What the fuck ever. I can live with that regret. But I just cannot live with this regret, of having wasted time with Hugo. The other stuff is just not worth it. I’m so sorry.”
I’m very grateful that I was able to be really present with Hugo for the last two months of his life. And I’m also grateful that this pain has helped me clarify the type of person I want to be and the kind of life I want to have, and moving in the direction of having more time and freedom with the people I love.
More on that to come 🤘
I love you,
Mike
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