How to Make Date Night Non-Negotiable
(Even with a Busy Schedule)
The Issue
Ever found yourself saying, 'We’ll go out next week,” only for months to pass without a single date night? Then you’re like most Americans (52%) who don’t make date night a priority every month.
If you’ve read my stuff or heard me yammer for any amount of time, you know I beat the drum on two important relationship FYI’s:
The average couple spends 20 minutes talking to each other every week.
The biggest predictor of the quality of your relationship is the quality of your friendship
Today we’re talking about how date nights can be one of the simplest changes to start improving your relationship.
The Why
One of the cheesier phrases we have in our culture is, “To know them is to love them.” This is one of those “it’s cheesy because its true” things. The compound interest of a relationship comes from really getting to know someone. And with the way that our world works and how freakin’ busy we all are, we rarely get a break in the storm to sit down and get to know our partners better.
To state the obvious: regular intentional time together strengthens our emotional intimacy.
And guys, hear this: According to The Gottman Institute, the two biggest complaints that women have about their husbands in couples counseling are:
1) He's not there for me
2) There's not enough of an emotional connection
Planning date nights and making them a monthly priority go a long way towards preventing these complaints coming your way.
Date nights also prevent complacency. It is so easy to fall into the Work-Dinner-TV-Sleep-Repeat death cycle. And while that cycle helps pay the bills and keep the lights on, it does barely anything for your personal life. No one gets the end of their life and wishes they worked more or watched Game of Thrones another full time through. (Although if you watched it again after that shitty ending, I have some serious questions.)
Maybe most importantly, the anticipation of scheduled date nights lower our negative emotions like anxiety and depression. They help us get through the week!
The Excuses
We all know the common excuses. “I’m too tired.” “It’s too expensive.” “We don’t have any time.”
We say the same thing about working out, and then wonder why nearly half of adult Americans are obese.
Here’s the crazy thing: just like working out, going on dates paradoxically gives you more energy. When Alyssa and I get out of the house, we rarely get home and say “That was a complete waste of time.” Sure, we’ll be tired when we get home, but it’s a good kind of tired (instead of the “I just watched 4 hours of Netflix” tired).
And for you parents out there, there are definitely some fair excuses. You’re right: it is hard to find a sitter. It’s also hard to take time away from young kids. But (there’s always a but), the single strongest predictor of a child’s mental wellbeing is the strength of their parent’s relationship. There’s not even a close second.
The How-To
Like James Clear said in Atomic Habits, we do not rise to the level of our goals; we fall to the level of our systems.
We’re only as good and consistent as our systems. Here’s the easiest way to get date nights planned:
Meet with your partner at the beginning of the month to talk about your all’s schedules
Decide that one of you is going to be an “In” date (at home) and one of you is going to plan an “Out” date (away from home)
Decide on a budget (Alyssa and I try to spend $0 on at least one of these dates a month)
Brainstorm together
Schedule it on each other’s calendars
(If needing a sitter, get it scheduled ASAP (and use a site like bambinositters.com if you’re starting from scratch)
Alternate who plans the “In” and “Out” date each month
Keep a shared note of your favorite dates
The Last Word
Don’t overthink it. It doesn’t have to be perfect.